Pregnant Thoughts

The past few weeks just went like a blur. I have been juggling from one appointment to another, wrapping up some personal business, attending antenatal classes, frequent visits to my gynecologist, and buying and arranging for baby stuff. The list seems to go endlessly.

This week however, I am able to take a few breathers just because my body is literally pulling me back to slow down. I have to get used to the fact that I have to take it easy and allow my body to give in to the much needed power naps.

I also think that I am having some sort of panic attack. No doubt this whole pregnancy experience has been wonderful and amazing for me and my husband, but as the date of my delivery is getting nearer, I just suddenly realized that I could not really imagine myself being a mother and all the responsibilities that come with it—well, not just yet. It may sound weird afterall, my husband and I have discussed more than a dozen times all the considerations before we decided to start a family. But yes, I am still having anxiety attacks!

I guess having your first child in your thirties gives you a somewhat different perspective. I mean, I never really thought that I would ever consider raising a child (this is also true for my husband). I was always focused on my career, traveling, and furthering my education that being married or having kids was the least of my priority. It was all about me and my love for independence. There was even a period when most of my friends have started having families, and I would get invited to all the baptisms, birthdays and what have you, and the only way for me to endure such gatherings was to tag along my nephew and nieces. There was also a time when I no longer look forward attending dinners with my college or high school friends just because they always end up talking about pregnancies, babies and nanny woes. I wished now that I could have paid more attention to those conversations, so I could relate their experiences with mine. I have to admit that although I love and adore kids, I get scared and insecure(until now) to hold an infant or a newborn child just because they look so fragile. So you could imagine my growing fear of having to deal with my own newborn!

Because of these random thoughts, I sometimes wonder if I would be a good mother, or if I am capable of becoming one. Would this supposedly called maternal instinct just kick in so naturally, and everything will be okay? One thing I know for sure, as my pregnancy progresses, I could not help but be more attached to my unborn child, particularly when I feel the baby move.

After reading several books, it is with great relief to know that maternal instinct is not as what I have always perceived—some sort of an inherent character or a natural progression to becoming a mother. Like any relationship, motherhood is something that needs to grow within you, something that you can learn through time. “So there is really nothing necessarily automatic about maternal behavior, even if there is an instinct to be open to the attachment. Clearly the mother-infant bond, while primed to occur, needs interaction over time to be truly strong”(Small, M., 1981).

I guess the prospect of motherhood and its responsibilities still overwhelms me. It is a lifetime responsibility and you don’t even really know what you are getting. At this stage, I am slowly accepting that our lifestyle will certainly change when the baby comes. Furthermore, I have to make certain compromises when it comes to my career, and that there are jobs that I won’t even consider just because it will entail a lot of traveling. I have also accepted that our travel plans will no longer be as quick and easy just because the welfare of my child has to be considered. It is just so overwhelming to know how drastic your perspective can change just because of a child. Practical things such as changing my will, investments have to be arranged and trust funds to be secured to consider the new addition to the family. Most of our friends teasingly warned us that life will never be the same, but to expect a whole new world, somewhat challenging but truly beautiful and fulfilling.

Despite all of my anxieties, one thing is quite reassuring—I have not heard anyone whoever said (or admitted) that they ever regretted having children. I take inspiration from a single mom friend who unexpectedly got pregnant at 20 years old, when she said that although she may have made a lot of mistakes in her life, having and raising a child was never one of them. I also take great inspiration from other career oriented women I know, who embarked on motherhood and yet did not seem to be bothered to let their career take a backseat, at least for the first few years. Once I asked my mom if she ever regretted giving up her prospects in the U.S. to marry my dad and start immediately a family. Her answer was simply: “No, because I have 5 wonderful children” (despite the fact that some of us were a handful?!!). I guess I have to believe her because my parents did not even think twice to adopt a 5th child (whom we all love very dearly) when we were all grown up.

Perhaps I will find out later that my anxieties and insecurities about motherhood, children or being parents are just idle fears, baseless and unwarranted. I don’t know. Until now motherhood or parenthood is still all very conceptual, difficult to grasp but slowly getting there. Perhaps in a few weeks time, I will have a different story.